


The Spiral Down

by Onlymostydead



Category: RWBY
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Recovery, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-31 06:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6459256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onlymostydead/pseuds/Onlymostydead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one wakes up hating themselves.<br/>It starts small.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Spiral Down

It's a spiral.   
No one wakes up hating themself.  
It starts small.  
He can remember over and over.  
You're worthless.  
No one can love you.  
Only a child, and he began to believe them.  
The first steps.

It doesn't show much then.  
He didn't know any different.  
The crippling self doubt was normal.  
Right?  
Oblivious steps downward.

It doesn't matter.  
The voice repeats, over and over until all focus was drawn from the paper he was supposed to be writing.  
The paper he needed to be writing.  
Appearances were important, that he knew now.  
The voices layer, surrounding him, crashing like waves, the clutter overwhelming.  
You don't matter.  
He told himself now, he didn't need to be told.  
He quickened his pace down those damned steps.

No matter how hard you work they won't love you.  
Push on, don't look back he said over and over.  
Put yourself together.  
Convince them.  
Convince yourself.  
And straight A's have to count for something, and just maybe getting into Haven will make them proud.  
He knew inside it wouldn't.  
But appearances are important.  
And if they don't love him, everyone else will.

But fighting is useless.

It does nothing but waste precious air.

Suddenly he can't breathe, the water is all around him.  
His heart beats strong and fast, terrified of this early end.  
Calling for help isn't an option. No one will come, no one cares. There is no one.

No one could ever love you.

It's true.  
He cries, but with every tear the waters only rise.  
Rising, sweeping him away, pulling him down into their depths.

He can taste the salt on his lips and suddenly he's just a little kid again, crying because everything is just too much.  
But it won't end.  
This time another student finds him curled up, sobbing, his breathing erratic. His eyes shut tight, gasping for breath.

The water pulled him further down the spiral as he begged the school counselor not to tell anyone.  
He tried his best to convince everyone that there was nothing wrong.  
To convince himself.  
Cool guys don't have panic attacks, they don't cry themselves to sleep. They don't wonder if they were gone if anyone would miss them, they know everyone loves them.

Swirling downward, caught up in the flow.

Meeting them.  
A new school.  
A team.  
Suddenly there are people all around.  
People that are there.

They have to be, their success depends on you.

He tried so hard to push those thoughts out of his head.  
But there it is again, just when everything seemed okay.  
The nagging suspicion that he was just dragging them all down.

He can't sleep anymore at night so he trains, and studies, tries so hard to be good enough.  
When he passes out he says he's fine.  
That it's normal.

But straight A's don't count for anything.  
They all got into Haven, that's not special anymore.  
It doesn't matter how many friends you have if they're in love with someone who isn't you.  
And it doesn't matter how many ways you know how to dismember a Grimm if you're not strong enough.

The water pulls him down the spiral of self hatred, and he swims with the current.  
Letting it take him away.  
It's drowning him.  
And he breathes it in.  
Who would care?  
Certainly not them.

So he sits by himself on his bunk, sobbing softly to himself.   
The others are asleep now, and in the dark they can't see you cry.

Soft footsteps, crossing the room.

He can see you. 

The realization that, of course they can see you. They know when he sneaks out late, the nights he cries himself to sleep.  
He sees everything with those damned eyes, night vision! How had he been so careless.

Sun sits beside him on his bunk. 

"Hey, you okay?"  
If Neptune hadn't known better he would have said he sounded concerned.  
No, he was mocking him.

"I'm fine-"  
But his voice cracked and the tears are flowing faster now. There's no use in fighting them.

He already knows.  
You are weak and worthless.

But he doesn't sneer.  
He doesn't laugh at how pathetic the other boy is.  
Instead he asks if there's anything he can do to help.  
Neptune hesitantly wrapped his arms around him, too tired to care.

"If you want to talk about it I'm here for you."

In that moment he began wondering.  
Did they really care?  
Was he pretending?  
But here and now, his face pressed into Sun's shoulder, the other boy holding him close, he wondered how he ever doubted him.

Things never get better all at once. They never do.   
The road to recovery isn't smooth, but having a team to help along the way makes all the difference.   
There are still dark days, where he can't even stand to look at water.

But those days will pass.

There may always be panic attacks, and he may still cry himself to sleep.  
But he'll never have to do so alone.  
Years later he will still remember the sleepless nights spent with those warm arms around him.   
The nights he began to look up from the spiral.  
And he saw the sun begin to rise.

It's a spiral.  
No one wakes up and loves themselves again.  
It starts small.  
It's the short, 'I love you's 'are you going to be okay's and 'I'm here if you need me's.  
It's always harder going back up than it as going down, fighting the current.  
But the day he began believing them, that he's worth so much more...  
That was the first step.


End file.
